I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
