I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
