dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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