someone threw a dead crab at me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
