You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
