I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
