Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
