I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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