My girlfriend figured out who you are.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
