Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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