I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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