That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
