my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
