are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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