If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize