All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
