At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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