the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
