When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm really busy with my period
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