Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
