I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
