Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
