Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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