I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
