I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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