recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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