I'm lost and stupid without you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
