The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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