New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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