I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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