my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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