can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
