non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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