At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
