I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
