Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
