dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
