textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
