Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize