He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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