Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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