1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
