Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
