I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
