We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
