how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
