John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
