apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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