3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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