So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
