well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
