I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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