we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
did i walk over a car last night?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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