sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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