sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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