he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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