Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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