Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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