I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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