it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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