My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
