I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
